I don’t know if I’ve ever been so moved in a church service as I was today. I love my church. Our pastor and his wife are so real. The members of the church are real. They show integrity, vulnerability, honesty and love in all that they do. I love them; I really do.
Our pastor’s message was about being a true follower of Jesus – the difference between being a fan and a follower. The message was powerful, but what really struck me happened after the message. The worship team started singing, “Here’s My Heart, Lord;” and as the congregation stood and sang, our pastor got down on his knees facing the stage and bowed his head as he sang. His wife joined him. Then a member of the congregation joined them. Soon there were several people filing down to join them, every one of them reaching out to God and being there to comfort one another.
I am found, I am Yours
I am loved, I’m made pure
I have life, I can breathe
I am healed, I am free
You are strong, You are sure
You are life, You endure
You are good, always true
You are light breaking through
You are more than enough
You are here, You are love
You are hope, You are grace
You’re all I have, You’re everything
Here’s my heart, Lord
Here’s my heart, Lord
Here’s my heart, Lord
Speak what is true
Here’s my life, Lord
Here’s my life, Lord
Here’s my life, Lord
Speak what is true
I felt myself wanting to join them, to reach out and take part in this moment in which I was so moved. My legs just wouldn’t move. They knew that if I got up there, the tears would finally fall and I would be powerless to stop them. The past several years, I’ve been so closed off that I don’t even realize I’m feeling this way until my emotions come crashing down on me.
You see, I’ve been holding in a lot lately. With everything that C continues to go through, I’ve been feeling broken and raw. I’ve been asking for prayers yet afraid to have an honest conversation with God.
Because if I did, I’d have to admit to Him and myself that I’m angry.
I’m angry that my baby has to endure so much. I’m confused.
I’m confused why we can’t just be done with all of this. Why does it have to go on, one thing to the next? Isn’t it enough that C has a g-tube and sensory processing disorder? He needs to have abnormal brain activity in two parts of his brain, too? We need to check his brain for structural abnormalities? We need to have him screened for autism or a developmental disorder because daily life is a challenge and we need to figure out how best to help him?
I’m broken. I’m raw. So I didn’t go up and join those amazingly real people at the edge of the stage, even though my heart desperately wanted to. I waited until my kids went to bed tonight before I finally had that honest conversation with God that I’ve been avoiding. Only when you’re honest can healing begin.
Now I’m able to begin.
The post Here’s My Heart, Lord. appeared first on Little Mama Jama.
